


Roll the Dice

by Impudent_Miscengenation



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dungeons & Dragons, Dialogue-Only, Dungeons & Dragons References, No Plot/Plotless, Other, Suggestive Themes, abuse of the oxford comma, also Gwaine is the butt of everyones jokes, bad joke warning, but its pretty hard to take seriously, but tbh he deserves it sometimes for the shit he says, dialogue only study, i think im covered for tags but im bad at them so who knows, if you take it seriously it's your own fault, like bad as in quality not content, oh that reminds me, rated for excessive foul language and conversations about zombie genitalia, the characters that die aren't dead, this is just dnd after all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26735467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impudent_Miscengenation/pseuds/Impudent_Miscengenation
Summary: King Arthur and his knights are actually a D&D group. Leon is Arthur's First Knight, the DM, and is also known as Sir Jesus. The rest of them are floaters that don't really deserve an introduction. These are their stories.Dialogue only study. Pure crack.//"I call upon my Holy Strength.""Percival, don't tempt fate.""It's not worth it, Perce.""Hey, he wants to try it, I say let him.""Merlin, stop being an agent of chaos."
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Roll the Dice

**Author's Note:**

> PURE UNADULTERATED CRACK AHEAD. Also, it's all dialogue. I tried to make it clear enough who was speaking but I think you'll just have to make some guesses if it isn't super clear. This is my first dialogue study, but I hope it's not too bad.  
> I don't play D&D myself, so the way I wrote it might be off and that's due to the fact that I'm blowing the whole dnd campaign thing out my ass (for the first time, too).  
> Read my tags? They've got all the information you'll really need but let it be known that there are some lewd discussions.  
> See you at the bottom!

“Okay, so when we left off… Arthur, Merlin, and the Knights of the Round Table are standing in front of the locked, 10 meter high, iron gates to the ensorcelled cemetery. Towards the party’s right on the far side of the gated area, a zombie ogre guards the exterior. The cemetery _interior_ is guarded by two massive but currently stone and sleeping gargoyles in front of the cursed crypt. Your goal is to get inside the crypt in the center of the graveyard, where the entrance to the catacombs are."

“Can I kick the gates in like a badass?”

“The gates are currently closed up with chains and an enchanted padlock.”

“Can I use my lockpicks on the lock?”

“You can try. Roll.”

“...”

"Your attempt to unlock the door not only fails but fails so badly that you manage to give yourself a fatal wound with the lock pick. You are dead, Sir Lancelot."

“Oof.”

"No! Not Lancelot! I'll sacrifice every one of you bastards for that man!"

"Thanks, Elyan, I feel loved."

"Shut the fuck up, _Gwaine_. I'd sacrifice you for a potato."

"I think Gwaine is worth at least two potatoes."

"Listen, if I ever sell myself, I’m for damn sure not only going to charge in potatoes. Though, in that situation, I could certainly imagine apples being involved."

“I said _sacrifice_ , not sell.”

"Are we already moving on from Lancelot's untimely demise?"

“The ogre-zombie, doing his evening perimeter patrol, has seen you all and is now charging in your direction.”

“Well, shit.”

“Wait, can I roll for seduc-”

“You’re not seducing the zombie, Gwaine.”

“I cast a fire funnel at the zombie.”

“Roll.”

“...”

“Your flames manage to strip away the ogre’s armor but you don’t deal significant health damage.”

“Well, that didn’t go like I wanted it to.”

“Since we can see it now, how big is the ogre dick?”

“With all due respect, Sir Gwaine, what the fuck?”

“Leon never specified that the ogre was a man, you know.”

“Am I having a stroke or is this conversation real?”

“We’ll just assume that ogre-zombie has genitals that have since rotted away, rendering this conversation moot.”

“Or _gendering_ the conversation moot, huh? Huh?”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

“You all realize that the ogre is still charging you, right?”

“He’s a zombie, so he wants flesh, right?”

“I mean, cannibalism _is_ what zombies are known for.”

“Is it still cannibalism if the zombie is an ogre, though?”

“I thought zombies only ate brains.”

“Guys. Why don’t we have Percy yeet Lancelot’s corpse for the ogre zombie to fetch. While he’s distracted, we can get through the gate.”

“That’s morbid.”

“This is survival of the fittest, dammit, and Lancelot’s already dead.”

“Wow, you guys suck. No respect for me, even though I’m dead now.”

“Hey, did anyone hear that? It sounded like Lancelot.”

“Shut _up_ , Merlin.”

“Look, Lancelot would want all of us to live. It would be his dying wish that he helps us in our mission, dead or otherwise.”

“Or otherwise?”

“Y’know… not-dead. Shut up, don’t judge me, my friend just died.”

“So, are we going to use Lancelot as bait or not?”

“I mean, are there any objections?”

“Even if you’re _not_ in an enchanted cemetery, you should respect the dead, you know!”

“Guys, I swear to the Gods that I hear Lancelot’s voice.”

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up? Percy, do it!”

“ _Yeet!_ ”

“...”

“I can’t believe you actually said ‘yeet’ while throwing, Perce.”

“Sir Percival successfully yeets Lancelot’s corpse to catch the ogre zombie’s attention and drive it away. While Sir Lancelot is being devoured, all of you have time to make your next move.”

“Okay, admittedly, I like the word a lot better from Sir Jesus.”

“I can’t compete with that, though.”

“Anyone else fancy a go at the lock?"

"No. My strength hasn’t failed yet. I'm going to punch a hole through the bars next to the gate."

"Percival."

"Percy, you're just going to break your hand."

"I call upon my Holy Strength."

"Percival, don't tempt fate."

"It's not worth it, Perce."

"Hey, he wants to try it, I say let him."

"Merlin, stop being an agent of chaos."

"I _will_ punch and I’ll make a hole for us to go through."

"Roll."

"..."

"There is now a hole in the iron fence directly beside the gate. It's _just_ big enough to squeeze through."

"Fuck yeah, Percy! I knew you could do it!"

"Didn't you say-?"

"What I said then is not important.”

“There’s still the gargoyles, though.”

“We all see them, Sir Elyan, but they’re stone right now. Not so much a threat.”

“Well, what wakes them up?”

“Entering the crypt, likely. That’s what they’re guarding, after all.”

“So… How about we don’t? Go in the crypt, that is.”

“Scared, Merlin?”

“Would just rather not end up like Lancelot, thanks. Look, if what we’re after is underground, why don’t we just try looking for another entrance, or tunnelling through behind the crypt or something rather than wake up and piss off two gargoyles each three times the size of _Percival._ ”

“Is that a fat joke? I’m swol in the best ways.”

“I mean, that’s… Tunneling isn't actually a bad idea, all considered.”

“Do we have anything to dig _with,_ though?”

“The question you _should_ be asking is ‘pretty pretty please Sir Gwaine may we use your explosives’?”

“You’re apt to set one off even if we try to tell you otherwise and this might actually be helpful. Do it.”

“For you, Percy? Only if you suck me.”

“Roll for seduction, then.”

“Wait, really?”

“No. Go bury your little stick of dynamite in the ground.”

“... Is… Is that a metaphor for my penis?”

“ _Gwaine_.”

“Alright, alright! Jeez, Princess, no need to get your petticoats all ruffled. Look, I’ll go bury it behind the crypt! See, I’m going!”

“Well, we’re into it now. Let’s blow up part of a cursed graveyard.”

“... You know, this really doesn’t sound as good an idea the more I th-”

“Too late now!”

“...”

“The explosive device that Sir Gwaine buried behind the crypt goes off and creates a crater in the ground three meters wide and just as deep. The hole is all dirt-for all of your efforts, you haven’t gone deep enough to reach the catacombs from the surface. Because of your explosions, however, the dead have risen from their slumber and are shuffling towards the party. There is an army of corpses and you are surrounded.”

“... See, this is why we don’t listen to Merlin.”

“Hey! How is this _my_ fault, you royal ass?”

“You’re the one who suggested we tunnel!”

“I didn’t tell you to blow a three meter deep hole in the bloody ground, did I?!”

“All in favor of never listening to what Merlin says again say ‘I’.”

“I.”

“I.”

“I. … Sorry, Merls. I’m just using you to take the heat off of me, you understand.”

“Dammit, Gwaine.”

“Okay, so how do we kill a zombie army because I am _fresh_ out of bombs.”

“Wait, that was your _last_ bomb?”

“Well, I set off more than one, so yeah. No more explosions from me. Do _you_ have any ideas, Sir Elyan?”

“I mean, being that the zombies would only take damage from Arthur or Percival’s sword, I was really hoping that one of them might have a clue.”

“Since when does Arthur have a clue, though.”

“Shut up, _Mer_ lin, you’re one to talk. Considering you got us all into this mess. Elyan and Percival, you two see if you can’t get some of this horde dispersed somehow. The rest of us will carve our way through these undead to the crypt.”

“Then we’re back to square one with the gargoyles!”

“You really should have kept at least one bomb, Gwaine.”

“We all know that you lot keep me around for my looks, not my brains.”

“You don’t have either, now, let’s go!”

“...”

“When separated from the group, Elyan and Percival are immediately targeted by the horde. Sir Elyan, one of the zombies manages a bite on your ankle.”

“Fuck. Uh-should I cut it off?”

“Say no more, friend! My holy blade shall purify the remaining stump I shall leave you with!”

“Wait, Perce-”

“Roll.”

“...”

“Sir Percival, you swing your blade too far and sever the femoral artery, leaving Sir Elyan bleeding out and attracting more zombies with the scent of blood. You can stand and fight to the death or try to run to the doorway of the crypt, where the rest of the party looks on in horror.”

“... I am a knight of honor! I will stand and fight! For Camelot!”

“...”

“So, both Percival and Elyan are dead now, too, right?”

“Uh, yeah. … Think so.”

“Well. This is a development.”

“Anyone have any other brilliant ideas?”

“I cast Hellfire.”

“Fuck off, Merlin, I don’t care if you’re magic incarnate and dragonkin, you _can’t_ cast hellfire without being a demon. Besides, aren’t we supposed to not be listening to you?”

“I do what I want, _prat_ , I’m _Emrys._ ”

“Leon, tell him.”

“Technically, at this level with his expertise in fire magic, Merlin _can_ attempt to cast Hellfire.”

“ _Ha!”_

“On your first try, the only way you can successfully conjure Hellflame without burning your soul to ash is to roll a nat 20.”

“...”

“I’m gonna cast Hellfire.”

“ _Merlin. You’ll die._ And then I’d have to finish this alone.”

“Hey, I’m not dead yet.”

“Oh, gods, even worse. I’d have to continue with _Gwaine_.”

“Hey!”

“Can I cast Hellfire now?”

“You’re an idiot. Don’t try to cast Hellfire, there _has_ to be some other way out of this..."

"..."

"Fine. Do what you want, Merlin. Cast your Hellfire spell, see if I care."

“Are you doing this?”

“Oh, I’m _so_ doing this.”

“Roll.”

"..."

"Holy shit."

"No fucking way."

"Oh hell yeah."

"Oh hell _fire_ yeah!”

 _“I am the greatest motherfucking sorcerer to ever walk this earth!_ "

“Merlin, your Hellflame is successful and powerful enough that it burns through the army of corpses. The attack nearly exhausts both your mana and stamina, leaving you weak in the knees and in need of rest. A small price to pay for success.”

“With just the three of us left alive and no map to go forward with, I think this is a good a place as any to leave off.”

“Wait, what do you mean _no map_?”

“Lancelot had the map and now he’s zombie chow. I thought you knew.”

“Well, shit.”

“I mean, navigating cursed underground ruins with just the three of us and no map shouldn’t be _too_ difficult, right?”

“...”

“... Right, guys?”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the ending felt a little rushed, I know that I wanted to end it after the hellfire thing but I wasn't entirely sure how to do that.  
> I hope you enjoyed the crack bunny! Please let me know what you thought and if you might have any ideas for me to continue this with! I'm totally down for making this into a series.  
> Stay awesome, all!  
> ~IM


End file.
